The Tuesday Rant: If All Ads Were Like Political Ads…

By / September 16, 2008 /

Volume 10 In a Series By Felix

Imagine, for a moment, that corporations decided to start advertising in the same way as the current political ads for Republicans and Democrats. What state would we be in as an industry? And what kind of mess would we leave the consumer in? These are the questions I posed to myself over the weekend.

I don’t know about you, but with around two months left in the 2008 Election I am up to my neck in complete crap. I’d like to make it clear that this is not a partisan issue (although I have no shame in saying that I’d rather commit Seppuku with a blunt spoon than vote Republican). No, this is about the lack of substance present in both campaigns. It has been going on since I can remember and it just seems to be getting worse.

When Satan’s butt-boy, Karl Rove, came out over the weekend and said that both campaigns had crossed the line, I was genuinely taken by surprise. This is a man who has all the morals and social graces of a rabid wolf with syphilis, and he’s saying “enough!” What is going on? And how have we allowed this to happen as a nation?

We’ve got ads running saying Obama wanted to teach three-year-olds how to screw. We’ve got ads announcing that McCain is a senile old fart with no computer skills. There are ads talking about “lipstickgate” and ads decrying the ads about “lipstickgate.” Personally, I couldn’t give a flying fuck about any of it. I want to know about issues. Real issues. Economy, health, retirement, education, you know, shit that really matters. Instead, we’re back to the BS of the last election, trying to figure out who is the lesser of two evils in these 24-hour character assassinations.

Now, what if, just for a few days, our corporations decided to conduct themselves with the same lack of decorum that our politicians have displayed. Suddenly we’d get ads for Heinz Ketchup saying “Hunt’s Ketchup has been affiliated with terrorists and is un-American. And we all know what Hunt rhymes with. Heinz Ketchup – red, white and blue Ketchup for true Americans.”

But Hunt’s wouldn’t leave it there. No, we’d get the rebuttal ad, saying “Heinz was the favored Ketchup of Adolf Hitler and originated in a Nazi death camp. Hunt’s Ketchup – it doesn’t sound German.”

Other brands would follow suit, and instead of telling us about the features and benefits of products, we’d just get a laundry list of garbage about competitor products.

Buy Geico Insurance – Because Progressive is just another word for Socialist.

Eat Burger King – Because Ronald McDonald is a registered sex offender.

Shop at Safeway – Because Albertson’s called your mom a fat whore with BO.

Bank with Wells Fargo – Because Compass is sick enough to let two guys get married.

Drink Pepsi – Because Coke would take away your right to choose.

Fly United – Because Frontier would allow shotguns on every flight.

Drive a Ford – Because Honda doesn’t believe in the one true God.

Wear Reebok – Because Nike’s shoes are made in sweat shops by little… (oh, hang on).

Well, you get the idea. Instead of the “why to buy” foundations that most advertising is built on (even in those visual joke executions that I’m none too keen on), we get the “why not to buy the other one.” Or even worse, the “forget about the why to buy, that other product’s got questionable hygiene. And we overheard it saying America’s a big pussy.”

I, for one, would like to see political ads and campaigns actually take a leaf out of our book. I know, I said it, I’m actually praising the work we do. When most people say advertisers are low-life pond slime, I’m usually there to defend us. Usually. And if I happen to be more vicious in this column, it’s because you’re big enough to take it; and get better; and grow even stronger.

But let yourself float off to a better world, just for a second, and imagine a day when a political ad campaign runs on issues, not smears and character assassinations. Imagine a candidate coming out and saying, day after day, that “these are the issues I believe in” rather than “these are the reasons you shouldn’t vote for the other candidate.”

If we could get to that point, with ads pushing the “product benefits” of candidates, we may actually see a time when we vote for the person we want IN the Whitehouse, rather the voting against the person we DON’T want.

However, with a general public raised on National Enquirer headlines and Jerry Springer anarchy, I doubt we’ll see that day in this election, or the next. In fact, I could be an old man before election ads ever pull themselves up to the giddy heights of regular advertising. Now there’s a sobering thought.